Blackmoor Vituperative

I have decided to start a diet. I am tired of being fat, and I obviously do not have the motivation to work out like a fiend. After careful consideration of my lifestyle, I designed a diet for myself. I am calling it The Bloody Mary Diet. Each day, my main food intake will be:

• two slices of high-fiber bread
• one can of premium white tuna
• two glasses of spicy V8 juice (sometimes with a splash of vodka)

I may augment this from time to time with a modest serving of dinner, but I am going to drastically reduce the size of my portions.

I can’t watch a subtitled movie while eating sushi. I can’t eat sushi without looking at it.

I am (or was) watching The Ghost Of Mae Nak, a Thai horror movie. I haven’t seen many Thai movies. This one is not terrible, but I really do not like the sound of the Thai language. To my American ears, they sound like Martians. “Ack ack ack ack ack. Ack ack ack. Ack ack!” It does not help that the two main characters are named Nak and Mak. I am not kidding.

The Wall Street Journal has an open letter from Muhtar Kent, the CEO of Coca-Cola, Coke Didn’t Make America Fat.

He makes sense — far more than any politician or lobbyist I have heard in recent months. A pity that kind of common sense is so rare in the USA, or we’d not be in the physical, financial, and social shape we are in.

I am having some cheesecake (which I got for my birthday) and a cup of Costa Rican Tarrazu coffee (from World Market) for breakfast, and I must say, this is a damn fine cup of coffee.

We got two free bottles of Gatorade G2 when we ordered a pizza the other night. According to the label, this is a “low calorie electrolyte beverage”. As anyone who has seen Idiocracy knows that “electrolytes” is marketing-speak for salt. As for being “low calorie”, keep in mind that all things are relative. Compared to a sugar-laden bottle of Pepsi, G2 is indeed “low calorie”. Compared to anything remotely good for you, G2 is sugar water — which is, in fact, what it is. Here’s a quick look at the ingredients:

Ingredients: Water, sucrose syrup, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural and artificial flavors, sodium citrate, salt, monopotassium phosphate, sucralose, acesulfame potassium, red 40.

Do not drink this crap.

Tonight I used a coupon for a “large 3 topping pan pizza” from Papa John’s Pizza. I paid for a large pizza. What I received was a medium (10 inch) pizza. When I called to complain, I was told that I did receive a large.

Are they crazy? A 10″ pizza is not large!

I was told that if I did not like that, to call the customer service line on the box. I hung up, and looked, and there is no customer service line on the box. I called the store back, and they gave me a number to call, 888-907-0531. I called that number, and it is not in service. I called the store back AGAIN, and this time they said to send email to the email address on the box. I hung up, and looked, and there is no email address on the box. I called them again, and this time they just hung plain up on me.

Papa John’s has the worst customer service I have ever seen. EVER.

Check out this Chinese Pepsi commercial.

Fake crab meat. You know what I’m talking about: that sweet, white-with-red-stripes substance that you can get for about one-quarter the price of real crab meat. I love it. I can eat a pound of it at a time (preferably cold).

But I always wondered where this stuff came from. From a factory somewhere, certainly. But how is it made? Like sausage? Like lunch meat? Like soylent green?

Today I found out:

How products are made — imitation crab meat

Wow. I had no idea that the underlying technology that makes fake crab meat possible had been kicking around since the 16th century. That’s wild. I also would never have guessed that the sugar and sorbitol in fake crab meat served an essential manufacturing purpose. I always just figured it was there to make the product sweeter so that we fat-assed Americans would buy it.

The Internet really is amazing, you know. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

The new year is here. New Year’s Eve was a hoot. Susan and I bought a package at the Day’s Inn at the Virginia Beach waterfront, including dinner, champagne, party favors, a room for the night, and brunch the next day. Dinner was, without question, the best lobster I have ever had, and I loved hanging out in the all-season indoor pool.

To celebrate the new year, here is a new drink recipe. New for me, anyway.

Oatmeal cookie

1/4 cup Jagermeister
1/4 cup Irish Cream Liqueur (I use Ryan’s, or make my own — I’ll post the recipe for that another time)
1/4 cup Buttershots (or other butterscotch schnapps)
1/4 cup Goldschlager (or other cinnamon schnapps)
a few flakes of rolled oats, for garnish

Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain into martini glasses.

One of my hobbies is home brewing. I don’t brew beer or wine: I brew mead and cider. Unfortunately, my last few batches of mead have been extremely disappointing. When it was time to bottle my most recent batch, I was ready to give up on mead entirely if this one turned out badly.

Surprise!

This is the best batch of mead I have ever made. My faith in home brewing is restored. That’s the label over there, by the way. Click on it to get a better look. I went a different route this time with the style. Rather than the Old English or Nordic look I usually opt for, I went for a modern look.

I’m not telling you what the name means. That’s a secret.

Addendum: the recipe

A couple of people have asked about the recipe. In my experience, the recipe matters less than blind luck, but here it is:

Thirteenth Story Mead
Metheglin mead

Ingredients (5 gallons)

5 gal boiled water, cooled to blood temp
1 gal filtered water
15 lbs dark honey
1 tsp whole allspice
1 tbsp vanilla extract
¼ tsp Irish moss
1 cup dark coffee (liquid, not beans)
4 campden tablets, crushed
1 ½ tsp gypsum
2 pkg white wine yeast (I should have used champagne yeast, but it turned out well anyway, so who knows)
3 tsp yeast nutrient

Procedure (5 hours)

1 gal filtered water
15 lbs dark honey
1 tsp whole allspice
1 tbsp vanilla extract

boil all of the above 15 minutes; skim protien

¼ tsp Irish moss

boil another 15 minutes; skim protien
let cool to blood temp
transfer to carboy
top off carboy with boiled water, cooled to blood temp, to 5 gallons

mix together:

1 cup dark coffee (liquid, not beans) (note: should have added this during boiling)
4 campden tablets, crushed
1 ½ tsp gypsum (note: should have added this during boiling)

add the above to the carboy

mix together:

2 cups boiled water, cooled to blood temp
2 pkg white wine yeast
3 tsp yeast nutrient

let the above stand 15 minutes, then add to the carboy

Timeline

Started: 2004-11-20 Hydrometer: 11.66% / 1.092 / 23
Racked: 2004-11-28 Hydrometer: 1.0% / 1.014 / 3.5
Bottled: 2005-09-04 Hydrometer: 0.5% / 1.011 / 3.0
Due: 2005-11-20

Alcohol content

OG: 1.092
FG: 1.011
(1.092 – 1.011) = 0.081 * 131 = 10.6 % ABV
I’m calling it 11%.

Notes

The best mead I have ever made. Smooth and dry (dry for mead, anyway).