Blackmoor Vituperative

We got two free bottles of Gatorade G2 when we ordered a pizza the other night. According to the label, this is a “low calorie electrolyte beverage”. As anyone who has seen Idiocracy knows that “electrolytes” is marketing-speak for salt. As for being “low calorie”, keep in mind that all things are relative. Compared to a sugar-laden bottle of Pepsi, G2 is indeed “low calorie”. Compared to anything remotely good for you, G2 is sugar water — which is, in fact, what it is. Here’s a quick look at the ingredients:

Ingredients: Water, sucrose syrup, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural and artificial flavors, sodium citrate, salt, monopotassium phosphate, sucralose, acesulfame potassium, red 40.

Do not drink this crap.

Tonight I used a coupon for a “large 3 topping pan pizza” from Papa John’s Pizza. I paid for a large pizza. What I received was a medium (10 inch) pizza. When I called to complain, I was told that I did receive a large.

Are they crazy? A 10″ pizza is not large!

I was told that if I did not like that, to call the customer service line on the box. I hung up, and looked, and there is no customer service line on the box. I called the store back, and they gave me a number to call, 888-907-0531. I called that number, and it is not in service. I called the store back AGAIN, and this time they said to send email to the email address on the box. I hung up, and looked, and there is no email address on the box. I called them again, and this time they just hung plain up on me.

Papa John’s has the worst customer service I have ever seen. EVER.

Check out this Chinese Pepsi commercial.

Fake crab meat. You know what I’m talking about: that sweet, white-with-red-stripes substance that you can get for about one-quarter the price of real crab meat. I love it. I can eat a pound of it at a time (preferably cold).

But I always wondered where this stuff came from. From a factory somewhere, certainly. But how is it made? Like sausage? Like lunch meat? Like soylent green?

Today I found out:

How products are made — imitation crab meat

Wow. I had no idea that the underlying technology that makes fake crab meat possible had been kicking around since the 16th century. That’s wild. I also would never have guessed that the sugar and sorbitol in fake crab meat served an essential manufacturing purpose. I always just figured it was there to make the product sweeter so that we fat-assed Americans would buy it.

The Internet really is amazing, you know. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

The new year is here. New Year’s Eve was a hoot. Susan and I bought a package at the Day’s Inn at the Virginia Beach waterfront, including dinner, champagne, party favors, a room for the night, and brunch the next day. Dinner was, without question, the best lobster I have ever had, and I loved hanging out in the all-season indoor pool.

To celebrate the new year, here is a new drink recipe. New for me, anyway.

Oatmeal cookie

1/4 cup Jagermeister
1/4 cup Irish Cream Liqueur (I use Ryan’s, or make my own — I’ll post the recipe for that another time)
1/4 cup Buttershots (or other butterscotch schnapps)
1/4 cup Goldschlager (or other cinnamon schnapps)
a few flakes of rolled oats, for garnish

Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain into martini glasses.

One of my hobbies is home brewing. I don’t brew beer or wine: I brew mead and cider. Unfortunately, my last few batches of mead have been extremely disappointing. When it was time to bottle my most recent batch, I was ready to give up on mead entirely if this one turned out badly.

Surprise!

This is the best batch of mead I have ever made. My faith in home brewing is restored. That’s the label over there, by the way. Click on it to get a better look. I went a different route this time with the style. Rather than the Old English or Nordic look I usually opt for, I went for a modern look.

I’m not telling you what the name means. That’s a secret.

Addendum: the recipe

A couple of people have asked about the recipe. In my experience, the recipe matters less than blind luck, but here it is:

Thirteenth Story Mead
Metheglin mead

Ingredients (5 gallons)

5 gal boiled water, cooled to blood temp
1 gal filtered water
15 lbs dark honey
1 tsp whole allspice
1 tbsp vanilla extract
¼ tsp Irish moss
1 cup dark coffee (liquid, not beans)
4 campden tablets, crushed
1 ½ tsp gypsum
2 pkg white wine yeast (I should have used champagne yeast, but it turned out well anyway, so who knows)
3 tsp yeast nutrient

Procedure (5 hours)

1 gal filtered water
15 lbs dark honey
1 tsp whole allspice
1 tbsp vanilla extract

boil all of the above 15 minutes; skim protien

¼ tsp Irish moss

boil another 15 minutes; skim protien
let cool to blood temp
transfer to carboy
top off carboy with boiled water, cooled to blood temp, to 5 gallons

mix together:

1 cup dark coffee (liquid, not beans) (note: should have added this during boiling)
4 campden tablets, crushed
1 ½ tsp gypsum (note: should have added this during boiling)

add the above to the carboy

mix together:

2 cups boiled water, cooled to blood temp
2 pkg white wine yeast
3 tsp yeast nutrient

let the above stand 15 minutes, then add to the carboy

Timeline

Started: 2004-11-20 Hydrometer: 11.66% / 1.092 / 23
Racked: 2004-11-28 Hydrometer: 1.0% / 1.014 / 3.5
Bottled: 2005-09-04 Hydrometer: 0.5% / 1.011 / 3.0
Due: 2005-11-20

Alcohol content

OG: 1.092
FG: 1.011
(1.092 – 1.011) = 0.081 * 131 = 10.6 % ABV
I’m calling it 11%.

Notes

The best mead I have ever made. Smooth and dry (dry for mead, anyway).

Mmmmm… laboratory meat:

Laboratories using new tissue engineering technology might be able to produce meat that is healthier for consumers and cut down on pollution produced by factory farming, researchers said. While NASA engineers have grown fish tissue in lab dishes, no one has seriously proposed a way to grow meat on commercial levels.

But a new study conducted by University of Maryland doctoral student Jason Matheny and his colleagues describe two possible ways to do it.

Writing in the journal Tissue Engineering, Matheny said scientists could grow cells from the muscle tissue of cattle, pigs, poultry or fish in large flat sheets on thin membranes. These sheets of cells would be grown and stretched, then removed from the membranes and stacked to increase thickness and resemble meat.

Using another method, scientists could grow muscle cells on small three-dimensional beads that stretch with small changes in temperature. The resulting tissue could be used to make processed meat such as chicken nuggets or hamburgers.

…

The demand for meat is increasing worldwide, Matheny said. “China’s meat demand is doubling every ten years,” he said. “Poultry consumption in India has doubled in the last five years.”

(from News.com.au, New hamburgers ‘grown in laboratory’

It appears that the elusive dream of legal cannibalism is almost within reach! I can almost taste it….

Is this great, or what? I do not play EverQuest anymore, because I grew frustrated with the game, but I do think the ability to order pizza online while playing is pretty neat.

Ingredients
(12 servings)

2 pounds round steak, cut into half-inch cubes
1 pound hot (spicy, that is) pork sausage
5 cups chopped onions
2 tablespoons chopped garlic
7 tablespoons chili powder
2 green chili peppers, seeded and chopped
3 (15 ounce) cans whole tomatoes
1 small (5 ounce) can tomato paste
4 bay leaves
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon oregano
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 (15 ounce) can red kidney beans
1 (15 ounce)can black beans

Instructions

1. In a large, heavy pot, brown the meat with the onions and the garlic.
2. Drain off the fat and stir in the chili powder.
3. Add chilies, tomatoes, tomato paste, bay leaves, salt, oregano, vinegar, and brown sugar.
4. Cover the pot and cook for 2 hours over low heat.
5. Add beans and cook, uncovered, 30 minutes more.