Blackmoor Vituperative

Tonight’s movies were “Vivarium” (2019), which had us saying “kill it” throughout much of the movie (why do the characters never listen to our advice?), and “Dead Weight” (2012), a zombie movie that isn’t anything like what you would expect from a zombie movie. As the person who recommended it to me said, it turns the “hard men making hard choices” cliche on its head.

Of the two, I would recommend “Dead Weight”. Be warned, it takes a while to get started (about 20 minutes, and if it hadn’t been recommended by someone I know, it probably would have been an 18 minute movie for me), but if you stick with it, you may like it.

This is one of a few in-character World Of Warcraft blog posts I wrote in the early 2000s and posted to rp-haven.com. The author of this is Figli Brassboots, a gnomish warrior, like his father Fugli before him.

Click the thumbnails for larger images with more details.

May 17, 2009, “Figli gets a haircut”

“What can I do for ya, bub?” ze goblin said.

“I am needing ze haircut!” I said.

“I got what you need!” ze goblin said with great confidence. “Hop in da chair.”

Today ist ze day! Today I meet with ze representatives of ze Commonwealth, a guild devoted to ze honest pursuits and ze protection of ze innocent peoples. But first, I need to be making myself presentable, und zo I am going to get a haircut!

“Hokay!” Und I hopped into ze special barber chair.

Ze goblin tugged und combed und re-arranged mein hair, und zen spun me around to see.

“Whatcha think?”

“Nein, nein,” I said. “Zis is much too shaggy. I am needing more structure.”

“Structure, huh? You got it, bub.”

Ze goblin tugged und combed und re-arranged mein hair, und zen spun me around to see.

“Whatcha think? Enough structure?”

“Zis is haffink ze structure,” I said, “but it is much too pointy. I am needing not so much pointiness.”

“Less pointy, huh? Okay, pal, I got yer meaning.”

Ze goblin tugged und combed und re-arranged mein hair, und zen spun me around to see.

“Whatcha think? Better?”

I looked in ze mirror, and pondered.

“Zis is better, ja. Very aerodynamic! But I am thinking I am needing more hair on ze facial region. I am haffink ze interview of ze utmost importance, und I must have ze appearance of a gnome of a most sincere und serious nature.”

“Oh, okay. I got ya now. Serious. You got it.”  Ze goblin tugged und combed und re-arranged mein hair again, und zen spun me around to see.

“Whatcha think? Serious enough?”

“Ja ja, zis is serious,” I said. “But mein head ist cold! I am needing more hair on top of mein head.”

“Oh, okay,” ze goblin said. “You shoulda said that before. I know whatcha need now.”

Ze goblin tugged und combed und re-arranged mein hair, und zen spun me around again to see.

“Whatcha think? More hair on yer head.”

“Zis is no good,” I said. “Mein head looks like a bird!”

“Like a boid, huh? Okay, pal, I get yer meaning. I’ll trim it it up for ya.”

Ze goblin tugged und combed und re-arranged mein hair, und zen spun me around again to see.

“Whatcha think? I took it in on da sides and da beard.”

“Zis is perfect!” I said.

Und zo, I paid ze goblin his gold, und alzo gave him a generous tip for his efforts of such an extraordinary nature.

I am ready for ze interviewing!

This is one of a few in-character World Of Warcraft blog posts I wrote in the early 2000s and posted to rp-haven.com. The author of this is Figli Brassboots, a gnomish warrior, like his father Fugli before him.

Click the thumbnails for larger images with more details.

August 8, 2008, “Arrival in Ironforge”

To mein dearest sister Migli,

Hello from ze draenei land! After meeting ze friendly draenei women in Ironforge, I was very curious to see more of zese giant people with ze horns und ze horse-feet. Und zo, I went to ze island of their city, which is being called Exodar. Exodar ist ze very unusual city! It is all glowing und sparkly und is mostly made of stone, but is being made from crystal alzo. One of ze most unusual traits I am seeing is ze transparent floor, which is allowing you to see where you are going before you get there! It also allows you to wave at friends, which is nice, but most people do not look up, und zo are not waving back.

Ze draenei city is being lit very brightly, but you will not see torches! Zis was being a great mystery, but ze draenei I ask about zis are not understanding my question. Und zo, I am haffink to investigate into ze nature of ze draenei lighting system. After much exploration, I make a discovery — ze draenei city is powered by ze magical wind chimes! Apparently, zis power source is so vigorous, it can light ze entire draenei city all by itself! I am thinking we need one of zese wind chimes for Ironforge, und maybe Gnomeregan, alzo!

Ze draenei city is being a wealth of valuable minerals. Mein battle chicken, Kluckenspeil, is helping me to find zese minerals on many occasions, but he is not very good at ze mining. Even zo, I let him peck at ze stone und let him think he is being ze help to me. He is a good chicken.

Ze draenei peoples are haffink many enemies in their new home. One enemy of ze draenei is ze bear people, which are being called firbolgs. Some of these are fighting ze draenei, but zis is because ze draenei dropped pieces of crystal all over ze place when they came to ze island, und ze crystals are being poisonous to ze animals und ze plants in ze manner much like what I have heard about Gnomeregan. I am thinking zis makes ze draenei having problems much like ze gnomes, but without haffink ze dwarf friends to be taking them in! Zis makes me want to be a help to them, und zo I am performing ze investigations und solving ze problems for them und things of zis nature.

Zo anyway, ze firbolgs are some fighting ze draenei, but some are wanting to be friends. The bad firbolgs are also fighting ze good firbolgs. I learned zis when I was asked to rescue a pincess from ze bad firbolgs. Ja, a princess! You can be imagining my surprise when I rescue ze princess und discover she is a firbolg, alzo. No princess kisses for Figli!

Some of ze draenei enemies I haff seen before, like ze pink elfen. I do not know why ze bad pink elfen are attacking ze draenei und summoning up ze monsters und demons und other things of a most calamitous nature. I help ze draenei with ze finding of a leader of ze bad pink elfen, und they gave him a trial und decided to kill him. Zis is puzzling me for several reasons. First, why are they haffink a trial for zis pink elf, Matis, when they are not haffink trials for ze other pink elfen, whom they are just killing? Also, I am thinking I do not understand ze draenei systems of ze legality und ze judiciality, because all they did was to say to ze pink elf, “You haff been found guilty, und we are to be killink you in ze morning!”, but I was not seeing ze evidence or ze formal accusations or ze back und forth und back und forth such as is ze case in ze gnomish courts of judicious decisioneering. But maybe they are haffink zis when I am not looking, maybe. Anyway, ze pink elfen was definitely one of ze bad pink elfen, because he was spitting und saying things about enslaving ze magical wind chime und torturing people und other things of a most vicious und malevolent nature.

Ze most ferocious enemies of ze draenei are ze snake men being called ze naga, und are definitely ze most ferocious creatures! Many times, I am haffink to fight ze hardest I have ever fought! But do not worry, I am always being careful und am using ze superior gnomish tactics, und zis is why I am always winning in ze battles!

Ze naga are haffink ze interesting statues. I think it is being ze naga queen, or maybe ze naga goddess, or something of zis nature. I would like to ask them about zis, but they are not ze communicative people. Still, it is ze most artistic looking statue!

Near to ze draenei is ze most astounding monster of all: ze ghost of ze dragon from times long ago! I was not believing zis when I am first being told it, but then I went und looked for myself und discovered it to be true! Unfortunately, I was not being careful enough with ze sneaking, und ze ghost dragon wanted to eat me, even though he was ze ghost und does not need to eat anymore — certainly not gnomes! So I was haffink to kill him again, although when he is remembering that he is already dead, he will be very annoyed, I am thinking! But I am long gone by then. Papa did not raise any stupid gnomes!

I am saving ze best news for ze last. Ze draenei are riding great beasts of ze most extraordinary und gigantic nature, which are being called elekks. They let me ride one of the elekks on a temporary basis so that I could carry important messages to many draenei in different places on ze island. Zis was an experience of ze most exhilarating nature! Ze draenei in charge of ze elekks is saying that when I have done many favors for ze draenei und proved I am trustworthy and a friend to ze draenei peoples, that I can have an elekk to ride for myself. So I am working very hard now!

I must to be wrapping up zis letter, because mein ship has arrived for taking me to Ashenvale, where ze draenei und ze blue elfen are needing ze help of brave gnome warriors. I will be writing again soon!

Your brother in love und respect,
Figli, son of Fugli

This is one of a few in-character World Of Warcraft blog posts I wrote in the early 2000s and posted to rp-haven.com. The author of this is Figli Brassboots, a gnomish warrior, like his father Fugli before him.

Click the thumbnails for larger images with more details.

November 17, 2007, “Arrival in Ironforge”

To mein dearest sister Migli,

Zis has been ze most productive week! I have been practicing mein warrior skills with ze slaying of ze wild animals. Here I am with ze wolves, after being attacked by an entire pack of ze dangerous beasts!

I have also been with ze mining of ze minerals und such like from ze mountainous regions. As papa always said, there is more to a good gnome than ze killing und ze drinking. One must also have ze worthwile profession for to be making ze money for to provide for ze safety und security of ze family.

Have you heard ze name of Rejold Barleybrew in ze Brewnall Village? You will soon, I am thinking! He has what he thinks will be ze best stout ever, using ze shimmerweed, und he came to ze son of Fugli to assist him in zis endeavor. As it happens, ze shimmerweed is grown by ze trolls on Shimmer Ridge. Kill trolls, und help a brewer make ze perfect stout at ze same time? Where do I sign up!

Having made a reputation for myself in this fashion, I was summoned to Ironforge, to meet with ze dwarves! This is ze opportunity I have been waiting for! I wasted no time, packing up mein armor, weapons, und my tinkering kit, und heading to Ironforge!

Ze entrance to Ironforge is most impressive. There is a statue there of ze most extraordinary proportions. I believe it to be a dwarf king from before ze unpleasantness und ze separation of ze dwarven kingdoms. Personally, I think when someone builds a statue of such immensity, that they are compensating for something, maybe. I have not shared this theory with my dwarf friends, because I am thinking sometimes is best to be keeping ze thoughts inside of one’s noggin und not to be spilling them out all over. You see? I do listen to mein sister’s advice some of ze time!

Ironforge is a city of ze most extraordinary size. It is nearly as large as Gnomeregan, I am thinking, although I have never been to Gnomeragen myself, so this is just a guess. In ze center of ze city of is ze Great Forge. Here I am next to ze Great Anvil. Behind me you can see ze Great Blacksmiths making ze Great Iron Horse Shoes und other items of a most extraordinary nature.

All around ze Great Anvil are vats of ze molten iron used for making ze weapons und armor und other metal items for which ze dwarves are famous. Here I am standing next to Brombar Higgleby, who is asking me not to stand so close to ze molten metal. It would appear that every day, as many as sixteen people fall into ze metal und are fried like so much crispy dumplings. This is being a great nuisance to ze dwarves, und makes them quite grumpy, as ze bones are leaving ze calcium in ze metal und it making it not so good for ze refining.

Ironforge is ze city of a most cosmopolitan nature. I have seen people of all races here, including some which are new to me. Here you can see me having ze conversation with two very interesting giant women, who stood on this corner for all of ze time I was in ze city. I was curious why they stood there, und so I introduced myself und said I was new to Ironforge. They were most friendly, und explained that they were part of ze welcoming commitee of Ironforge. They offered to show me around ze town. Unfortunately, zis service required ze payment based upon ze elapsed time of ze tour, und my funds were insufficient for even one hour. Even so, they were most understanding, und said when I have more money that I should come back und they would both be happy to show me ze best time in Ironforge for ze price of just one of them.

Not only am I meeting with ze friendly welcoming persons, I am also meeting with people of ze most significant rank und prestige. How prestigious, are you asking? How about ze king of ze dwarves, King Magni Bronzebeard? He has a very large chair called ze “high seat” (again with ze compensating, ja?), und allowed me to stand next to him! I wanted to try sitting in ze “high seat”, but King Magni said that this would not be permitted because of safety regulations.

If you think King Magni was ze person of ze most prestigious nature, wait until you hear my next meeting! It was High Tinker Mekkatorque! Yes, I am not kidding! We discussed items of a most significant nature, und he told me of his current research into ze scientific devices und such like. I did not understand most of what he was saying, but it all sounded very impressive und scientific, und I am inspired to follow in ze footsteps of this great gnome und become ze master engineer, myself.

After meeting people of such fame und importance, you might think that there is nothing else to see in Ironforge. Nothing could be further from ze truth! Ironforge is a city of great accomplishments und most artistic nature. Here I am on a dwarven panzerwagen. It is pretty big, but somehow I thought it would be bigger.

Ironforge also has a large library und museum. Here I am in ze library. There was a room with shelves all ze way to ze high ceiling. Dwarves sure do like to read!

Ze museum has artifacts from ancient times, from even before ze evil elves betrayed ze good elves und made ze continents to be broken und ze ocean to be filling in ze middle. Here is an ancient elf artifact called ze “astrolabe”, a kind of medical instrument for ze woman parts.

Ironforge is also home to ze most remarkable piece of ze gnomishg engineering, ze Deeprun Tram. Unfortunately, ze tram area is infested with ze rats und other vermin. I helped ze tram personnel with ze cleanup some, but after a while I got so tired that ze rats ran right up to me und squeaked at me in a most disrespectful manner. I am thinking of maybe bringing dynamite next time.

Ze tram station has numerous platforms for ze embarking upon. Here I am pointing down ze tunnel. Ze tram is coming from that direction.

Ze tram goes to a place called Stormwind. I took it, but I was ze only person to do so. I discovered why this was when I arrived. Ze far end, this Stormwind, is a place of extreme danger! There were skeletons und dead bodies everywhere! I am a brave gnome, but papa did not raise any dummies. I got on ze tram und returned to Ironforge in a most immediate fashion. Perhaps when I am a mighty gnome warrior who has killed all of ze trolls, I will return to Stormwind und I will find what has killed all of these peoples und I will chop it up!

Und so I return to Ironforge, und find a nice clean room in a nice friendly inn. Here I am, relaxing with ze good dwarven ale, with my fellow warriors, safe und sound.

Your brother in love und respect,
Figli, son of Fugli

This is one of a few in-character World Of Warcraft blog posts I wrote in the early 2000s and posted to rp-haven.com. The author of this is Figli Brassboots, a gnomish warrior, like his father Fugli before him.

November 2, 2007, “Ze troll slaying begins”

To mein dearest sister Migli,

Ze adventuring is progressing well, und I am already meeting with ze brave warriors of ze Alliance. I have met with ze dwarf Lorith und ze good elf Arasminna, und I have been accepted into the warrior guild. I told them of papa und his legacy as a great troll slayer, und I think this was the deciding factor in my favor. They also complimented me on my new pink shirt, und then we fought a ghost which was missing his head. I would say that this was a very good meeting.

After I was accepted into the warrior guild, I was finally permitted to kill the trolls! Unfortunately, ze trolls are much taller and more difficult for ze chopping than I realized. I was forced to run away from them, many times, killing only a few of ze terrible monsters. Fortunately for me, I met another brave gnome warrior named Nosbren, und he and I made a most excellent team! We went into the den of ze trolls, und chopped so many of them up that my chopping arm was sore. Papa would be so proud!

Nosbren is being a bachelor, who is also from ze mountains, like us. I mentioned to him that I have a sister named Migli who is an excellent cook, und he asked to meet you! So I think perhaps you may be having a suitor very soon. I am planning to ask him to dinner with us, und I will let you know what day to be expecting us.

I am keeping my promise, and dressing warmly, and eating often, and drinking plenty of beer. So please do not worry.

Your faithful brother,
Figli

“Deep Blue Sea 3” is not a terrible movie, and it has some beautiful underwater photography in the first half-hour and during the closing credits.

I have been complaining about this for a while, but apparently, it’s not just me: “mumble dialogue” is the modern version of “drunken monkey cam” (which I think might, just might, be going out of style, finally). I find it infuriating. LIGHT THE SCENE. HOLD THE CAMERA STILL. MAKE THE AUDIO UNDERSTANDABLE. WHY IS THIS SO DAMNED HARD FOR MODERN FILM MAKERS TO GRASP??

“I see but one rule: to be clear. If I am not clear, all my world crumbles to nothing.”

Stendhal

If I had the time (and frankly, interest), I would start a YouTube channel called “18 minute movies”. I noticed many years ago, while letting Netflix play while I worked, that I was stopping really bad movies at about the same point each time: 18 minutes. It was uncanny.

“18 minute movies” would be me spending about a minute describing the first 18 minutes of some movie that I stopped watching at that point. For example:

“Guns Akimbo” (2019): Daniel Radcliffe portrays an internet troll. He runs afoul of an illegal Fight Club style mafia, who appear to all be extras from the movie “Hackers” (1995). They use common power tools and hardware store screws to attach guns to his hands, somehow without making him bleed to death or collapse in screaming agony. Meanwhile, an eyebrow-less Samara Weaving shoots a lot of people while the camera is flung around the room by chimpanzees.

By the way, I really like Samara Weaving. I wish she had been cast as Captain Marvel (I’m not saying she was even considered or had any interest in the part, just that I wish she had been cast). My point is, Samara Weaving was not reason enough for me to keep playing the movie.

Here’s another one.

“The Vast Of Night” (2020): Jake Horowitz portrays a guy who “works at a radio station”. He roams aimlessly around a high school, which appears to be getting ready for a game of some kind (probably basketball). He steals an instrument from a member of the band and insults a girl who asks him for help with her tape recorder, all while mumbling incoherently around a cigarette.

Today’s Saturday matinee is “Battletruck” (1982), also known as “Warlords Of The 21st Century”. This is not a great movie, but it is interesting for a number of reasons.

The late 1970s and early 1980s were the golden age of vehicle-based adventure movies. “Death Race 2000” (1975) was the vanguard of the genre, leading to “Blue Thunder” (1983), “Megaforce” (1982), “Deathsport” (1978), and so on.

The 1980s were also the golden age of post-apocalypse movies. “Mad Max” (1979) was the vanguard of the genre, leading to “Road Warrior” (1981), “Warrior And The Sorceress” (1984), “Cherry 2000” (1987), and so on.

“Battletruck” (1982) combines these elements. Unlike most films of both genres, it is not filmed in Argentina, nor does it feature David Carradine. It was filmed in New Zealand, and the cast includes Michael Beck (best known for “Warriors” (1979) and “Xanadu” (1980), and who also appeared in “Megaforce”), Annie McEnroe (who appeared in “Snowbeast” (1977), a weird intersection of the 1970s crazes for ski resort movies and Bigfoot movies), and James Wainwright (who has been in a number of fairly good films, but I know him as Dutch from 1974’s “Killdozer”). John Ratzenberger, who would make his appearance as Cliff Clavin on the show “Cheers” later the same year, has a small but memorable part as Rusty, the mechanic and weaponsmith. (Fun fact! Ratzenberger is one of the most successful actors of all time in terms of box-office receipts.)

As a vehicle-based post-apocalypse film, “Battletruck” doesn’t quite measure up to classics like “Damnation Alley” (1977), but it’s a sincere film with sympathetic characters, and it tells its story without the outlandish nonsense of “Warriors Of The Wasteland”, aka “New Barbarians” (1983) and without the sexual assaults of movies like “Road Warrior” (1981) and “Postman” (which came out in 1997, but which is very much a throwback to the post-apocalypse films of the 1980s).

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