[x]Blackmoor Vituperative

Wednesday, 2013-08-28

Rules for Hollywood

Filed under: Movies — bblackmoor @ 18:45
Movie and popcorn

Good morning, afternoon, or evening, Mr. or Ms. Hollywood producer. Thank you for coming. I present to you seven rules that you must follow from now on. No, sorry: there are no exceptions. Policy, you see.

  1. Do not use the “fade to black” transition more than once per minute during any theatrical trailer.
  2. Hold the camera still while filming. If the camera operator is not capable of holding the camera still, enroll them in a drug treatment program until their shakes go away.
  3. Do not remake any movie that was good the last time it was made. One good version of any film is sufficient.
  4. You may make a film version of a TV show, but the film must belong to the same genre as the television show: if the TV show was a drama, the film must be a drama; if the TV show was a comedy, the film must be a comedy.
  5. You must wait at least two years before releasing another movie about a superhero in which the same actor plays that hero.
  6. You must wait at least ten years before releasing another movie about a superhero if the actor playing the character has changed since the last time.
  7. Some day we will all look like a cross between Terrence Howard and Kristin Kreuk, but until then, at least make an effort to match up the appearance of the actor with the appearance of the character. Don’t cast pasty white Englishmen as Indians. You might even try casting an Indian as an Indian.

We may add new rules here from time to time, so please check back periodically. Ignorance will not be an excuse for failing to follow these rules.

Thank you.